suzume_tori's Journal

Subject:	omens
Time:	7:37 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.

on the way to the behind the wheel test this morning, I was flipping radio stations when the song "I will survive" began. Out came the first words: "at first I was afraid/ I was petrified!"

.... then the radio stopped working abruptly.

Waiting in the line of cars for my driving test to start, my mother asked me to roll down the windows. I rolled down hers, and then mine.

Which then decided it didn't want to roll back up again. Ever. (The radio still wouldn't work.)

I went from worrying about sunburn to being cold as clouds formed overhead and a breeze picked up. (It looks like it might rain today. When we took the car to the autoshop post-test, they said it would be about four hundred something to fix the window and replace the parts that roll it up and down. They couldn't fix the radio, which is a problem with the wiring somewhere in the trunk.)

And yes, I failed my driving test.

The omens were a bit much, though.

Mum and Dad and Sarah are all going to move Sarah in fully to her apartment in Oregon, which means that I am going to be home with my also unlicensed baby brother, and no means of driving either of us anywhere.

Oh well.

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Subject:	strange cats
Time:	7:17 am.
Mood:	content.

I was turning the corner onto my block when I heard a strange noise and saw what

looked in the dark like maybe a neighborhood cat or something at a storm drain...

then maybe two cats... then one DISAPPEARED, and the other turned to face me, and I

realized that they were raccoons, crawling in and out. The raccoon was making a

warbling, purring noise, and staring at me intensely, on its back and holding on

with its paws to the edge of the storm drain, its body fully hidden in the

stormdrain itself. It was completely adorable, and not something I had anticipated

seeing at all.

here's a doodle of it:

Also, my sister is here for a few days, packing up her things to go move in all the

way and permanently to her apartment in oregon. She probably won't be here for

thanksgiving, but she's here now, at least.

I take my drivers' test (the behind the wheel one) this friday.

School is boring.

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Subject:	mother nature
Time:	3:26 am.
Mood:	impressed.

Mother Nature must be feeling pissy, lately.

First there were the fires.
Yesterday, there was a thunder and lightning storm.
Today, there was an earthquake.

Except for the destruction caused by the fires, this is kind of exciting :D (The thunder and lightening, and the earthquakes. Darl, my parakeet, seems a bit traumatized from them, though.)

I was home from school yesterday, sleeping. When I woke up, it was to thunder. Today, I discovered (when I was trying to find out the homework from a class that I missed) that a good deal of people were sleeping in and missing class. It's like the thunderstorm had a soporific effect that seeped in throughout the morning with the gathering clouds, and was only let out at the onset of the storm itself.

I was changing into my nightclothes when the shaking started. I didn't want to run into the doorway of my room (supposedly a very stable part of a house's structure) because I was half-into my nightgown, and not really decent. My brother had it worse - he was in the glass-walled shower, and wondering if he was going to become one of those people who had to run out naked into someplace safer, like in the stories of the San Francisco earthquake.

My mother just got off the phone, and announced that the earthquake measured a five point six.

I wish I had been lying down. Only once before do I recall laying down flat against the floor during an earthquake, and it woke me up - I'd been sleeping, at the time. The sounds of everything as my ear was pressed against the ground were eerie - like a rumbling, growling ROAR, and not the sort of sound you expect the earth to make, at all. (The only earth sounds I think of are squelchy dirt sounds, from the occasional rain. An earthquake used to mean the sound of things rattling -- but I'd never pressed my ear to the ground to hear the resonations.)

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Subject:	I'm going to be sick
Time:	4:23 am.
Mood:	nauseated.

some people collect the most disgusting disgusting disgusting things. But someone made a collage of images that I

Disgusting.

I have seen a lot of freaky stuff (freshmen sex ed, we had photos of people suffering from horrible diseases and rotting and falling apart) but even after looking at those, I have never

How could someone look at the images I just saw, much less collect them?

I have never, ever, ever, EVER seen anything so disgusting as these random images that someone spam-posted in comments on some random users' profile in gaia. I wasn't even sure what some of them were, and it's just ... so ... nothing that disgusting. Ever. Anywhere.

And I'm not posting a link. You're going to have to trust me. Because I am not going back there to link it.

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Subject:	Completely off the wall, but...
Time:	7:21 am.

As random as it is? I just read about Silo, and how he left Roy for a female. Excuse me while I sit in my emo corner. Their adopted chick, who was a girl, also likes girls, but... Silo LEFT Roy. **tear** SCRAPPY, YOU HOMEBREAKER!!! >:0 Roy and Silo had been together for six years before she had to come and ruin their beautiful manly relationship.

And yes, I am talking about penguins.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_and_Silo

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Subject:	About Home
Time:	11:01 pm.

So I like home.

I don't know if it's a byproduct of having lived in the same house all my life, but I really, REALLY like home. It's my WarmSafeComfort place. If I'm not feeling well, or if I'm tired, or if I'm having a horrible day - if I'm any of these things and I'm out somewhere, my thoughts aren't "let's take a Tylenol," or "let's sit in a quiet room for a while"; I just want to Go Home. Go Home has somehow become my Fix It place; When I'm not feeling well, just the idea that I'm going home is a relief, and I start to feel better. (I've learned that this doesn't mean I can turn around and go back to what I was doing - because like clockwork, my misery returns. If I feel better when I'm on my way home, so be it. That's because some weird part of me feels better at home.)

I went home early today, and you know what? It felt really good to do. I am tired, and possibly trying to fight off a cold, but I am Home Now, so I know that I can sleep in my own bed, eat ice cream to soothe a scratchy throat, and take a bath if I feel like my insides are too warm and my outsides too cold.

Life is good.

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Subject:	Boxes
Time:	5:48 am.
Mood:	thoughtful.

Mine is an outdated manual -- an outdated outlook -- an outdated everything.

I'm frozen in time. I'm in a box of my own making, and I can change inside, and
sit here and watch myself change, but the box is still here. It's like the one
story that I loved -- just for the one line, when the people realize where
they've gone wrong. When the government realizes that it's created a handful of
sociopaths where it intended to neutralize potentially dangerous people.

'When you stop touching the world, the world stops touching you.'

Maybe outside of context, it doesn't seem as brilliant, but it's held true in
real life enough to convince me that the author was onto something. I'm rather
certain that I didn't get all of the words exactly right, either, so I'm not
going to bother looking for the original piece, but... there it is. The heart of
this lesson.

I should write down a list of these things. Truisms that I don't know that most
people take the time to think about.

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Time:	10:39 pm.
Mood:	peaceful.
Music:	Fisher - Breakable.

I'm writing again. I'm not too faithful, I'll admit so much. I don't tend to stay anywhere too long. I can never keep a diary. Maybe I'll keep this one a little longer than my previous experiences.

My backs bothering me. I read some kewl yaoi fics there. I liked "rose with no thorns"... or whatever it was called, sumthin like that, and "Whisper". "Whisper" is sooooo a must read!!! It isn't exactly yaoi, but not straight at all... You'd have to read it.

For the moment, I'm content and peaceful. It's nice to feel like this for a change, though I'm a little tired.

I wonder which to put as my mood?... I'll decide later.

Tee hee.... Went to my buddie's house 2day, and they had the kewlest how-to-draw anime books.

Oh, wanna know somethin' funny? Way-back-when, someone who I'll call Europe (as a lame joke, if you knew her name, tho it isn't spelled like... but whatever).... She was reading a how-to-draw anime book for the first time (she doesn't need to read those; people have paid her for art since seventh grade)... and in the middle of this really tense important test, she screamed "Oh SHIT!!!!" really loudly, and slammed the book closed... There was a how to draw anime sex guide at the back. How embarassing (and to explain, too.. Europe had a guy teacher.)

Tee hee, but it was sooooo funny!!! Alright, I'm finished. Still a little tired, but that could be classified as peaceful... I'm getting kicked off the comp again. Dad this time, miracle of miracles, not a Sim-crazed maniak. Well, gotta go, luv u all!

Ja, minna!

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Subject:	First Entry
Time:	8:18 am.
Mood:	lonely.

I'm just here.... because I am... ^_^... I'm afraid you'll all have to be satisfied with that... I wonder if anyone will ever find this.

I guess I'm afraid of speaking to people who have read about me, or I would have put this, perhaps, where I was SURE it would be found.

Where would that be, anyway?

I don't think I'll show this to my friends and family. Doubtful. My friends probably already know it, and my family would forbid it.

I hate being cut off. I'll put peices of me in locations and places, then they'll be forbidden. And I can't do what I want to.

It's amazing, that, despite this, I still end up spoiled.

No, this isn't supposed to make sense.

I'm not a faithful writer...

Still there? (how tacky, I'm sure everyone writes that. But if you read this, then you've gotten this far. And I'm proud ^_^)

I think I'm afraid of people. I don't like people. I know I'm a person, but I don't really like myself. Is anyone ever afraid of people? I've been shut off, parts of me, and I don't have them, and I'm afraid.

I make friends. I am forbidden to speak to them, I must break all contact.

I miss them. A lot.

I'm very afraid of people. Maybe especially myself.

People should be afraid of me, too, I think, because when I'm cut off in places, whatever bit of me was severed is sort of like a demon. That was a bad simile, but that's as close as I can get.

I'm still not making sense. I don't care. Maybe I'll like this place. If so, I have to hide.

I'm not going to remember writing any of this.

I wish for love.

For me to love, or for the love of another?

People scare me.

I wish I had the power to remember. I wish I didn't get bored. I wish I was in one piece. I wish I could speak and have people understand me. I wish *I* could understand me.

I wonder if I'll write again. This was OK. I'm not sure what I wrote. Maybe I'll read it.

I'm not on drugs, though.

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